The Art of Inquiry

We all have access to a very common and simple communication tool that can be used to deepen intimacy, "INQUIRY". Webster's dictionary defines inquiry as:

Ø the act of inquiring; a seeking for information by asking questions; interrogation.

Ø search for truth, information, or knowledge; an investigation; examination into facts and principles.

Unfortunately, most of us either do not inquire at all, or use inquiry quite unconsciously. Rarely do we use it to its full potential. With a little bit of forethought, compassion, and conscious intent, inquiry can bridge gaps previously uncrossed, shed light on motivations yet unknown, and reveal information critical to a deeper understanding of one another.

Essential in the questioner is humility. Humility means that (s)he admit (s)he doesn't have full knowledge, thus creating an open space for exploration. Inquiry leads to knowledge, which leads to fulfillment; because when we act from knowledge we naturally choose the most balanced, healthy alternatives. There is a paradox here though, for to ask the right question is far more important than the answer we receive. The solution to a situation lies in the understanding of the situation itself. Inquiry is the key here; asking into the heart of the matter. The answer is not outside a problem, it is contained within it. One cannot look at the problem very clearly if one is concerned with what the answer should be or with our agenda for the solution.

Most of us are too eager to resolve a problem without looking into it. We need to approach inquiry with energy, care, and focus; not reluctance or laziness. Many of us would rather the other person change or just solve it. There is no one who is going to solve any of our problems. We need to call upon our natural vitality and passion, intensity, to look directly into and to observe the situation and then, as you observe, the answer will begin to reveal itself.

With the intent of creating intimacy, whether with self or other, through inquiry the situation is defined. With thorough exploration it is acted upon. Inquiry goes ever-deeper, uncovering layers of unconscious beliefs and attachments. It uncovers information possibly, (probably) never looked at consciously. Simple, non-prejudiced inquiry deepens insight and refines reasoning ability. New options present themselves as inquiry reveals new information. Eventually, you come to understand the real motivations and therefore the appropriate actions. Approaching inquiry as a co-exploration the questioners can enter into new options together. Co-exploration implies support during mistakes and the ability to admit when we are wrong.

The Form for an Effective inquiry:

Following are a few pointers for setting the stage for potent and stimulating inquiry. These are some necessary basics that, when practiced can develop into skills:

Ø Face one another. Stop all other activity and conduct the inquiry with full attention, concentration and honor of the other person with your full presence.

Ø It is helpful to establish contact, either by physical touch, eye contact and/or short and simple contact statements, thereby, creating safety, trust and a connection with your partner.

Ø Maintain the contact in a non obtrusive manner. You're trying to create a safe space where the attitude is, "I want you to receive me and I wish to be received by you." Meet the person where they are, in the present moment.

Ø Listen with full attention. Refer to the Chinese character (last page) as your guideline. In addition to your ears, you need eye contact, all of you present, undivided attention and your heart to really "Listen".

Ø Inquire into what the other person is saying for the purpose of understanding them completely. Be sure to inquire into their words

(Not your own). This means listen carefully to the words your partner uses and then inquire into them, even if you think you know what they mean. Be careful here not to project your meaning onto their words.

Ø When you get responses to your question(s) make sure you understand completely what your partner has told you. repeat what you heard and give them time to adjust or change their wording to what they really may want to convey.

Ø Paraphrase. After you have inquired into what your partner is saying and received several responses, paraphrase what you have heard. This time you can use your own words to convey what you understand from what they have said. You can begin the paraphrase with the statement, "What I understand you to be saying is…

Ø Give your partner room to change and/or correct your understanding to the true meaning of what they are really trying to convey.

Ø Keep in mind that the form of the interaction has influence on intimacy and resolution. It is established by the little things that happen. For example, interruptions, seating arrangements, gestures or postures, etc. All of the above make silent comment on who we think we are, how we view the situation and how we are relating.

Ø Show that you're listening, that you recognize the other's experience and that you're willing to give them room to let whatever they are saying or feeling be okay. Your desire to "meet an agenda" can wait.

Ø There are always gestures, movements, inflections, and changes in facial expressions that are telling you how things are going. These can be inquired into as well for verification throughout the communication.

Ø When one person has completely finished with their side of the communication and feels that they have been understood to their satisfaction, you can then switch places and you can be the inquiree while your partner inquires into you followed by paraphrasing.

There is an Aikido term "Irimi" which means "entering". When Irimi is called for, and often it is when we enter heated moments of inquiry, we train ourselves to move directly into the heart of the situation. This entering movement is non-aggressive. It is done in order to blend with the problem and not oppose or strike back. So, move towards the incoming energy in order to experience it at its most vital space and from there work with it gently and resourcefully.

In The Tao Te Ch1n₉₁ Lao Tzu says "the best leader follows".

Pointers for inquiry:

1. Timing. -The Tao Te Chin9 says, "In action, watch the timing." Time and place can mean everything to the outcome of an inquiry. It can also set the tone for the conversation.

2. Pause. -Allow your question to be fully received before jumping in with more comments.

3. Tone of Voice. -Tone of voice shows and suggests your intent. In your tone of voice, avoid any effort to stridently convince the other of your position. It should not suggest any coercion to accept or reject. In heated conversations, whether around inquiry or not, coercion often generates negative reactions.

4. Word your questions simply without blame or assumptions built into them.

5. Stay in reality. -State what truly is and was. Be honest, as well as accepting.

6. Speak in the first person. -Talk about yourself instead of your idea of what your partner may be feeling or thinking. (For present or past situations)

7. Avoid negative words, blanket statements, assumptions about the other's motivations and generalizations.

8. Make every attempt to get to a mutual "solution". -repeat questions, ask further, clarify, reword. don’t be afraid of the truth. "The truth will set you free. "Our fear of the truth is usually far worse than the actual fact of it.

Through this co-exploration you acknowledge one another, define and redefine situations, mutually explore and compare data, continue inquiring, choose a course and set up experiments for the future.

This all takes:

Ø Practice,

Ø Commitment,

Ø Patience,

Ø Humility,

Ø And a Sense of Humor.

But most of all it takes a deep love of life