## Jokes for Mathematics Teachers

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1. MATHEMATICIAN / STATISTICIAN / ACCOUNTANT FINALIST

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:

The mathematician was first."How much is 500 plus 500 ?" , they asked"1000" he replied without hesitation."Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the statistician."How much is 500 plus 500?""On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence" replied the statistician"Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?""What would you like it to be?" responded the accountant.They hired the accountant.

2. DESCARTES-1.

Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.

3. DESCARTES-2.

There was this magnificent mathematical horse. You could teach it arithmetic, which it learned with no difficulty, algebrawas a breeze, it could even prove theorems in euclidean geometry, but when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it wouldrear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously neigh loudly and make violent head motions in resistance.

The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

4. INCONSISTENCY THEOREM

LITTLE BOY: "My math teacher is crazy". MOTHER: "Why?"

LB: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2."

5. THE GREAT KARMAC

Question: The answer is "9-K", what is the question?Answer: The question is "Karl do you spell your name with a 'C'?"

Another Version: Question: The Answer is "9-W", what is the question?Answer: The question is Mr. Vagner do you spell your name with a V?"

6. DYSLEXIA

Question: What does an insomniac agnostic dyslectic do late at night?Answer: Lie awake wondering about the existence of dog.

7. NOBODY'S HOME

Question: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness?Answer: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

8. BIG NUMBERS

Question: "How many seconds are there in a year?"Answer: "Twelve, January second, February second, March second, ..."

9. ALGEBRA QUIZ

Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: " Ten Q"Teacher: "You're Welcome."

10. ENGINEER, MATHEMATICIAN & PHYSICIST--"FIRE IN THE ROOM"

A physicist and engineer and a mathematician were sleeping in a hotel room when a fire broke out in one corner of the room. Only the engineer woke up he saw the fire, grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on the fire and the fire went out, then he filled up the bucket again and threw that bucketfull on the ashes as a safety factor, and he went back to sleep. A little later, another fire broke out in a different corner of the room and only the physicist woke up. He went over measured the intensity of the fire, saw what material was burning and went over and carefully measured out exactly 2/3 of a bucket of water and poured it on, putting out the fire perfectly; the physicist went back to sleep. A little later another fire broke out in a different corner of the room. Only the mathematician woke up. He went over looked at the fire, he saw that there was a bucket and he noticed that it had no holes in it; he turned on the faucet and saw that there was water available. He, thus, concluded that there was a solution to the fire problem and he went back to sleep.

11. ENGINEER AND MATHEMATICIAN --"USE OF STOVE"

An engineer and a mathematician shared an apartment. Their kitchen was equiped with an electric stove, and every morning someone had placed a pot of water on the back-right burner so they could make coffee. They both knew what knob turned on this burner. One morning the engineer came into the kitchen and found the pot was on the front-left burner. He got out the stove's schematics and followed the wiring diagram and finally figured out which knob turned on this burner and he then used that knob and made the coffee. The next moring the mathematician came in and also found the pot on the front-left burner. He moved the pot to the back-right burner, thereby reducing the problem to one which he had already solved.

12. PROBLEM SOLVED!--ANOTHER MATHEMATICAL SUCCESS STORY!

A Priest, Rabbi and a Mathematician were waiting patiently on stage to be decapitated.

The priest put his head in the slot and the executioner pulled the lever; the guillotine blade came speeding down the track and stopped just a few inches above the priest neck. The priest proclaimed that God had intervened and saved him from execution; the executioner had to agree and let him go.

The mathematician had a disbelieving, puzzled, look on his face.

Next the Rabbi put his head in the slot, the executioner pulled the lever and the blade came speeding down the track and stopped a few inches above the Rabbi's neck. The executioner agreed that God had intervened again and saved the Rabbi also.

The Mathematician, more troubled than ever, put his head in the slot and turned to look upward and he noticed something that made him smile.

Before the executioner could pull the lever, the mathematician said "Hold on there a minute, I see what the problem is! The track has a small pebble blocking the path of the blade". He removed the pebble and announced, "There, it should work just fine now!"

13. FOREIGN FRACTIONS

How do we know that the following fractions are in Europe? A/C, X/C and W/C ?  Because their numerators are all over C's.

14. ANXIETY

Patient, nervously: "I'm a tipi !, I'm a wigwam ! Psychiatrist: "Relax,... you're two tents."

15. FEAR

Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7 8 9.

16. PIT STOP

Question: Where does a Bee go to the bathroom? Answer: A BP station. Alternative Answer: A flower potty.

One of the bees went to an Esso station (He was an esso bee).

What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me I've got my own problems!

18. LIMITED EFFORT

Here is picture that explains yet another reason that Achilles can never catch the tortoise.

19. RIDING THE HOT AIR WAVE/PARTICLES

Two Physicists were riding in a hot air balloon and were blown off course sailing over a mountain trail, and were completely lost.

They spotted a jogger running on the trail and they shouted "Can you tell us where we are?"  After a few minutes, the jogger yelled back "You're up in a balloon."

One physicists said to the other, "Just our luck to run into a mathematician". "How do you know he was a mathematician?" asked the other.

"Well, in the first place he took a long time to answer; second, his answer was 100% correct and third, ,it was totally useless."

20. COUNT COUNT

Mathematician: "There are three types of mathematicians, those who can count and those who can't."

21. WHERE'S THE PROOF?

A mathematician and her husband were driving along a country road and he said to her, "Look dear, those sheep have been shorn." She replies, " At least on this side."

22. HOW'S THAT AGAIN?

(A) Sign on an aircraft exit door: "If you cannot read these instructions, call a stewardess"

(Thanx to Andrew Baensch)

23. NOT WELL-ORDERED

If a ham sandwich is better than nothing and Nothing is better than Life, itself, does that mean that a ham sandwich is better than Life itself?

24. WHAT'S IN A NAME?

The ancient Greeks had funny ways to name their children. One day a little boy had torn his pants and when his father came home he angrily

held up the torn pants and said to the boy "Euripedes?" and the name stuck.

25. JEAN-BAPTISTE WHO?

Question: What is the following?

`     ea,ea,ea,ea, ...     ea,ea,ea,ea, ...      ea,ea,ea,ea, ...      ea,ea,ea,ea, ...     `

Thanx(?) to A.L. for this joke.

26. WE ARE INFINITE

Q: What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe?

A: Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

27. MATHEMATICAL ASTROLOGY ?

Q: What did the mathematician say when he learned that his girl friend was a Pices?

A: I haversine(alpha)

28. THEY'RE INHUMANE

Computer Science student: "My computer ate my data, it's trying to get me in trouble."

CS Instructor: "Don't anthropomorphize computers, they don't like it."

(Thanks to cs professors at sonoma.edu)

29. YOUTH TODAY!

A mathemtician was showing his fourteen year old daughter how to use the calculator and he asked her "What is the sin(40)?"

Daughter: "Over the hill?"

Thanks to Tom F. for this actual event.

30.TAKING THE RAILROAD FOR A RIDE

`A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers weretaking a train to attend a joint conference.  `
`Each of the mathematicians had a ticket, but only one of the engineers did. The mathematicians were `
`snickering about this when one of the engineers returned to the car and shouted, "Conductor's coming!"`

All of the engineers hurried back and crammed into a restroom, and when the conductor came by, he knocked on the door

and said,"Ticket please."  The engineer with the ticket passed it under the door, and the conductor punched it

and returned it.  After the conductor left, all the engineers came piling out, and the mathematicians sat there in amazement.

On the return trip the mathematicians decided to do the same thing, so they only purchased one ticket amongst them.

This time,none of the engineers had a ticket.  The mathematicians were snickering again, when an engineer

ran in the car and said "Conductor's coming."   All of the mathematicians piled into one restroom and all

of the engineers into another.  The last engineer in knocked on the restroom of mathematicians and said,

"Ticket, please." He then took the ticket and joined the rest of the engineers.

THANKS TO K.MEALY (PROBABLY AN ENGINEER)

31. AN AVERAGE DAY HUNTING

`Three statisticians went duck hunting. A duck was approaching and the first statistician shot,`
`And missed the duck by being a foot too high.  The secondshot and was a foot too low.  The third cried, "We hit it!"`

THANKS(?) TO K Mealy

32 FRACTIONS OVER EASY

Did you know that 5 out of every 4 people have a problem with fractions?

Thanks to Tom Najman

33. EXPONENTIAL GROWTH

`I have been dabbling with statistics for many years.  As a matter of fact, the first time I became quite`
`annoyed with statistics was the day I turned 2 (that's how far back I go with number crunching).`
`For you see, the day I turned 2 I realized that in one year my age doubled, which led me to conclude that by the time I was 7 I'd really be 64!!!`

34. PICTURE THIS

` Question: What happens when a polar bear sits on the ice too long?  Answer:He gets polaroids.`

Thanks to Vince Amero

35. TECHNICAL HELP

`A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a Windows Software engineer were out riding,`
`when their car broke down,and they couldn't get it started. The mechanical engineer suggested that`
`it might be out of gas, but after checking it out he found that it had plenty of gas.  `
`The electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood and decided that everything was OK.`
`The Software engineer said, "Why don't we all  roll the windows up, get out of the car, get back in the car`
`and roll the windows down again then see if it starts?" `

Thanks to RHF, Laser Dreams, Sebastopol, CA

`QUESTION: What's " 2 + 2 "?ANSWER: A Math Problem!Created by Eighth Grader  Daniel Jackson, Creekside Middle School `
` `
`37. WE’RE REALLY SORRY`
` `
`The Daily News published a story saying that one-half of the MP (Members of Parliament) were crooks. `
`The Government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology. `
`The newspaper responded the next day with an apology and reported that one-half of the MPs were not crooks.`
` `
`38. BIO-MATH MISSION IMPOSSIBLE`
` `
`Q: What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?`
`A: Nothing, you can’t cross a scalar with a vector`
` `
`39.SOME FAQ’s (Funnily Answered Questions) `
` `
`From CK in Virginia`
`Q What does trigonometry have in common with a beach?  A: Tan Gents`
`Q: How do hearing impared people greet one another?  A: They sine waves`
`  (For a microwave you just use your pinky.)`
` `
`From Chris Jones, Springfield MO.`
` `
`Q: What did the arrogant calculus student say when his teacher asked him to solve the`
` differential equation f’(x) = sqrt{1+f(x)^2}? `
`A: It’s a sinh.`
` `
`From Todd Quatier`
` `
`Q: What is the definition of a polar bear?`
`A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation`
` `
`40. NEWS FLASH`
`I heard on the radio that Enron, World Com, Global Crossing, Tycho and Arthur Anderson have been selected `
`to receive the “Ignoble Prize” in Economics this year.  `
`The Prize was awarded to these companies for their use of imaginary numbers in business. `

41. PORT DEPOSIT
Why did the mathematician name his dog Cauchy? Because he (the dog not the mathematician) left a residue at every pole. Thanks to Ben Ford.

42. BIG BANG
A surgeon, a Mathematician and a Politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon stated that his profession was first, "After all", he asked, "who do you think helped god make Eve out of one of Adam's ribs?" The mathematician said "No, before Adam and Eve and even before the Big Bang, there was chaos and God needed a mahematician to show him how to use chaos theory." The politician spoke up, "Ha! I win, who do you think caused the chaos?" Thanks to Craig S.

Send me your jokes. They have to be at least as sophisticated as the ones you see here. If I use a joke, the first person who sent it will be credited (unless that person, perhaps wisely, ask to remain anonymous).

e-mail CF April 2005